Admit, forgive and change

I was kind of pissed off by myself. Didnt do well for the performance. I was about to cry at the place because many thought came my mind...

The judge said, "你有点自我陶醉，所以没有把没有办法扣住观众的心。"

I was thinking, "hey this sounds familiar..."

then I thought, "Awwww~, this was exactly the comment I've got from teacher Nicole during the intermediate exam when I sang the same song."

The judge continued, "高音的部分，你没有掌握好，只是 touch and go/带过而已。

then I thought,“ awww~~ this was the mistake that teacher Huan Jie told me when I sang this song to him."

I was so pissed off with myself..( o.O , kids do that quite often). After that， I was avoiding my teacher as I was emotionally unstable. Well I guess he knows. Actually I should take initiative to ask him about my performance instead of avoiding. But I was so scared that I will cry in front of everyone, that is going to embarrassing.... so DIEDIE　Ｉ　have to avoid teacher.. (I'm sorry)

When I was on my way home, I ponder,

What is singing to me?
Am I not passionate to singing?
Am I a material for that? <= 我是唱歌的料吗？
Am I stupid or what? Why cant I understand myself?

Tears just rolled down.. was kind of self-doubting, low self-esteem. Unbearable, intolerable to see myself like this. I went to see the video of the performance that I did just now.

I was thinking, "I didnt did a bad performance. not as bad as what the judges say"

probably judges' point of view is wider as it was compared among 40 contestant. But to my point of view is just 2 contestants (Meiqin in the past and Meiqin in the present). As compared to the past, I think I was definitely better today, but not to say fantastic.. I was not as pissed off by then.

Well overall, this was very good experience, as I get professional comments from the judges, not just some crap competition. Though I feel bad making repeated mistakes, but without mistakes I wont improve, without repeated mistakes I wont remember. I rather make mistakes at home, in school, in singapore than when I go overseas~ hahahaxx.. well I am determined. Therefore, I need to go through this so that I can be better, stronger.

I need to

1. admit my mistakes. I was doing well for this part.
2. forgive. hmmmmm.. Learning I guess..improving
3. change for better. I was bad at this. Is not that I don't want to be better. is just that everything is in a mess, there is many things I need to do something about it but I don't know how and where to start from.

I know when I read this tomorrow, I will laugh.. LOLxx.. is a small thing actually..

失败的经验越多, 成功的目的就越近.